I’ve managed to clean up my hell-look a like messy tables. Notice tables? I have three tables in my room. Only two tables that looked like a tornado i managed to clean up. That’s the cabinet + table table & the study table. It hit me the realisation of why i am cleaning up. After all, i’ve taken a lot of sweet time to ignore cleaning up my room. It felt like i’m packing up. In a certain small way, it felt like that. By cleaning it up, it will be like that, untouched for a very long time until i’m back here for holidays. It just felt like that.

Whilst arranging dvds, i saw the memory box. A box given for a place to a b’day gift. Now, it’s where i kept the cards i received & pics…old pics. One by one, i took it all out and read it. The first envelope is a valentine card from bee for this year’s one. Front cover was

For the ONE I LOVE (with hearts).

The inside was written

On Valentine’s Day

I want to thank you for giving me all the things that make my life happy…

But most of all, thank you for all your love.

Happy Valentine’s day

Signature.

The way she signed the card off made me believe it was truly love. She loves me. She signed by combining our name. *sigh* Now…it made me think that i’m a stupid girl to fall to it.

The second one was from Koko Stan. This one is from last year where his card is extremely beautiful in words & the card itself.

The third one hit me so hard that it made me think back on my decision. This was what i told driver Wa about the decision that i made for myself. The reason why my relationships fell apart. An excerpt from the card,

I wish u’re mine, but you’re not interested, too bad… *wink*

However, I got you all that you want from me (that i know of)

The decision i made was a right choice for me. I think. Even if it hurts me. Tremendously. As what i told driver Wa, i have no life. I have a life where it’s the place where I’m stressed out because of school, stressed out because of work and i don’t need more stress from being in a relationship. I want a relationship where someone understand the life i have. The hectic no-life. Also, seriously i am not keen to share someone i love or like or i plan to like or i plan to love. Who does, right? Except the polygamy type. Or the ones who have to. There, that’s the truth. It’s too late to do anything to undone it. It was a decision i made! I’ll stick to it no matter what! If it’s a regret let it be a regret then. If it hurts so much let it hurts so much then. If it’s stupi let it be stupid then.

There is a reason i failed in relationship. It is all because of the hassle and the mess it will create at later days. It is all because i want a no-stress relationship, a “communicative” relationship and given a space for me-time. Basically, that’s what i have now.

Although, i yearn for some touch. Some companionship. Being in a relationship. I just can’t bring myself to it.

This video is the reason why i just can’t do it.

Let me hold you
For the last time
It’s the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can’t feel anything

When I love you,
It’s so untrue
I can’t even convince myself
When I’m speaking,
It’s the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it’s not enough to make it all okay

You can’t play on broken strings
You can’t feel anything that your heart don’t want to feel
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there’s nothing left to save
It’s like chasing the very last train when it’s too late

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it’s not enough to make it all okay

You can’t play on broken strings
You can’t feel anything that your heart don’t want to feel
I can’t tell something that ain’t real

Well the truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

But we’re running through the fire
When there’s nothing left to save
It’s like chasing the very last train
When we both know it’s too late (too late)

You can’t play on broken strings
You can’t feel anything that your heart don’t want to feel
I cant tell you something that ain’t real

Well truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It’s the last chance to feel again

Douleur dans ma vie

lov3 m3,n33d m3,want m3 and fr33 m3

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